On His Infirmities

Q: What's with the hip dysplasia, Farfel? And the weak knees? Where do you suppose those all came from?

A: My family tree is a real trip. My great-grandfather is also my great-great grandfather and my great-great grandfather once again on another side of the family. If my forebears were human, they'd all be arrested for incest. It's a wonder I've got the brains I was born with.

Q: How about the submissive peeing? Doesn't that get old after a while?

A: Hey...maybe YOU want to take on a Labrador or a Golden Retriever, but at 19 lbs., I can think of better ways to get my ass chewed. A little dribble on the sidewalk and they move on. Just the way I want it.

On His Lifestyle

Q: Are you comfortable living in Washington?

A: Actually, in some ways I had it better at the kennel. There, at least, they didn't keep me confined in a damned bathroom, for crying out loud. And I had the company of other dogs. But here at least it's warm and I've got Scott where I want him - jumping up and down to take care of my every need.

Q: How about your schedule? Does it suit you?

A: I think humans get way too bent out of shape about the elimination thing, frankly, but if they insist on bringing the action outdoors, then I need at least four walks a day. I would enjoy a fifth, to tell you the truth. 

Q: One of your companions is called the Second Mr. Cat. What really happened to the First Mr. Cat? Word on the street is that you had something to do with his demise.

A: Boy, did that cat ever have it coming to him. What a snob. Sat around all day with his nose in the air like he was too good to play with you. Now I'm not saying I had anything to do with it, but any of a dozen animals would have had a motive for chewing out that cat's kishkas. 

Q: How's your diet, Farfel? You getting the basics of what you need?

A: Nutritionally, I suppose so. At least Scott doesn't fill me up with cereal. But how about a little variety? If you ate the same damned thing every day, would you look forward to mealtime? It wouldn't kill him to give me a table scrap or two from time to time. Or a dead bird or something.

On His Relationships

Q: So what's the verdict on Scott? 

A: There was a cute woman who came by the kennel before he got there and I was flirting up a storm with her, but she picked my brother. What a mistake! There was one puppy who was never gonna get housebroken! Scott's all right, I suppose. He's a good cuddler and he takes pretty good care of me. I've broken him in pretty well for the next dog, whoever that turns out to be.  

Q: How about your veterinarian?

A: Nice bedside manner, but every time I see her I never wind up coming out with everything I had going in. The real killer was when she told me I was going in for a circumcision, and then got too  happy with the knife. I've been singing soprano ever since. 

On Life

Q: So what's your philosophy of life, Farfel? Can you leave us with some profound thoughts?